Sex For Seniors & Seniors For Sex
SEX is the source of tremendous consternation, confusion, ignorance, trepidation, conflict, aggression, hype, pleasure, opportunities, and options in the lives of elders. While Boomers were the advanced team of the Free Love movement in the sixties, there are many who missed out back then, and more importantly, they are missing out now on the many possibilities to define and attain a sex life that they could cherish today.
Three basic issues deserve our focus:
What Are Our Limitations and Constraints?
What Relationships Might Suit Our Needs & Desires?
What Works for Us Individually and as a Couple?
What Are Our Limitations and Constraints?
Many seniors think of their sex lives from perspective of their past practices and don’t fully realize the opportunities that are available to those with open minds to discover. We owe it to ourselves to explore the options for greater pleasure and satisfaction.
I have heard from seniors with differing mindsets on relationships and activities:
The celibates and abstainers. These are people who have decided that they don’t want to be engaged in sexual relations with anyone. There are several reasons why a person might feel that way.
Religious or moral objection to sex for anything other than procreation;
Physical disabilities – health, medical, or injury; and
Psychological – past trauma, depression, lost libido, need for independence, or just never enjoyed it.
The settlers. Some believe it is the norm that seniors should not be having sex, so they don’t pursue the possibilities. They submit to their perceived fate.
The seekers. These are individuals who want to have a vibrant sex life, and they are engaged through their current relationship(s) or looking for new ones.
The explorers. These open-minded souls look to increase and optimize fun and pleasure. They investigate new options and expand their range of activities and relationships.
What Relationships Might Suit Our Needs & Desires?
For most of us, a conversation about sex with a new (or even an existing) partner can be awkward and difficult to initiate, but it is essential that this discussion takes place, not just at the beginning, but throughout the relationship, in order for sex to remain satisfying. There is a saying among therapists and relationship coaches: “Communication is lubrication to a relationship”. No matter what relationship type we select, transparency, honesty, and consent are critical to its success.
Hookups. Casual sex through hookup websites like Tinder are generally thought of as the exclusive domain of younger people and the LGBTQ+ community, but seniors are also participating. It’s often just sex to satisfy horny people without attachment. Statistics for senior casual sex are not directly available, but trends toward less commitment are rising as evidenced by the significant rise in sexually transmitted diseases in our age cohort.
Friends with Benefits (FWB). FWB represents a decidedly uncommitted relationship with sex and play as the goal. These F***-Buddy arrangements are typically intended as limited-term, and both parties should be onboard with agreed upon ground rules. From a practical point of view, at the lowest commitment level, they are essentially repeated hookups with or without a schedule. The source for these serial trysts can be the result of an initial hookup, failed dating attempts at a longer-term connection, or other forms of fraternization that include satisfying sex. Typical participants are looking for reliable, safe, easy, and uncomplicated ways to quickly satisfy their sexual desires and get back to their other interests. Often, these relationships do not include appearances as a couple, meeting friends and family, traditional dates, overnights, or meaningful affection.
Close Friends with Benefits. This is an emerging solution, similar to FWB, for couples who have close attachments to one another but want less time commitment and a more open arrangement than a partnership would require. This is out-of-the-box problem solving that fits many of the more open-minded of today’s seniors. It offers an additional benefit to couples who connect intensely at some levels but are not sufficiently compatible and don’t want to live together in a day-to-day environment. This also works well for couples who live far apart or are only available part time.
Monogamous Romantic Partnerships. Romantic partnerships are like marriages without government or religious underwriting. Generally, there is mutual agreement to the arrangement. Cohabitation is common but not necessary.
Marriages. Marriage is a legal agreement to form a new entity. Many feel it is important to invest the time, hassle, and funds required for religious and/or personal reasons. In addition, with the agreement of both parties, other legal constructs can be added, such as prenuptials and postnuptials, to customize the formalities as desired. The older the partners, the less likely marriage will be chosen.
Open Relationships. An open relationship means each partner is allowed to independently have one or more outside sexual partners. It's an arrangement that both parties agree is committed in some form (often a marriage) but is non-exclusive or non-monogamous. The arrangement's agreement terms are key.
Polyamory. A polyamorous relationship is a romantic or sexual relationship with more than one partner together at the same time, with the full consent of all involved. Typically, each partner has a relationship with the group together and with each other individually. A throuple is a polyamorous relationship among three people who are romantically and intimately involved with each other.
Swingers. Swingers are coupled partners who enjoy consensual non-monogamous sex with other couples, singles, or groups. Couples may also initiate sex with other couples they meet. Not all couples are “all in” - some do not have intercourse with others but may have oral sex or just mutual touching. Everyone sets their own boundaries. Sex parties at private homes, hotels, and sex clubs provide venues for interaction.
What Works for Us Individually and as a Couple?
When it comes to the variety of options for pleasure available to us, how do we know what will be satisfying and worth pursuing? We need to try it. If we like it, we continue, and if we don’t like it, we drop it and do something else. We need to stay away from things that might hurt a partner or require a hospital visit, but otherwise, what’s the downside?
Potential sex related activities and their limits. Touch, oral, anal, intercourse, fetishes, BDSM (bondage, discipline, sadism, & masochism), DS (dominance & submission), groups, or other? Manual and oral stimulation can lead to more orgasmic sex than intercourse for some of us. If any of the kinkier alternatives strike a positive chord, there are options for couples to engage in them incrementally. These conversations have been found by some to be easier to initiate by talking about what they are NOT into. Starting at this extreme point, is more likely to elicit agreement, possibly leading to one partner offering something else that’s off the table. This brief “not that” conversation can evolve into “have you ever?” or “would you ever?” to “I think I would like to try that.”
Clothing. Come as you are, sexy outfit, lingerie, themed costume (cosplay), or nude? Clothing can be a major element of foreplay for many people. Some feel attire that is layered or partially revealing is sexier and more stimulating than nudity. The striptease is based upon anticipation that grows as articles are removed. Excitement can build in a similar way as a partner’s clothing is removed. Costumes can trigger fantasies and introduce playfulness that is exciting. Others prefer to be nude as soon as possible.
Exhibitionism. Where are you on the spectrum of total modesty vs. nude performer? In the animal kingdom, of which we are a part, many creatures exist as a result of the exhibition by one partner in order to attract another. It can be a beautiful body, a dance, a color, a song, a smell, feathers, etc. In humans, it can be many of these. Women are generally, but not exclusively, more inclined to dress, groom, walk, dance, etc. more provocatively when attempting to communicate their availability and desire than men, who are typically (but not universally) more reserved. Some men tend to exhibit their fitness, prowess, and financial success in attempts to attract the attention of women.
Foreplay. Foreplay is the mental and physical activity engaged in to generate arousal in both partners before intercourse and other activities potentially leading to orgasm. Kissing of all sorts is a fire starter, but what other forms do you or would you like to engage in: dancing, stripping, watching porn, touching, role playing, etc.? Dirty talk, telling an erotic story, or reading aloud romance novel type material can be a powerful way to set the mood. As we age, new limitations make intercourse for either the man or the woman impossible or painful, so foreplay becomes THE sex act, and it can be immensely pleasurable and rewarding in and of itself.
Sex toys. Have you tried vibrators, rabbits, Kegel weights, Sybian saddles, electric wands, Womanizer (vacuum clitoris stimulators), dildos, cock rings, butt plugs, Eroscillator, etc.? Sex aids or enhancers can improve pleasure measurably when used solo or as a couple. While some of us may find toys over the top, most don’t, and the range of choices is such that almost any couple can find something fun and pleasurable. Post-menopausal women often find that it requires more time to reach the arousal stage and that additional stimulation from various toys can shorten that period. Vibrators are the most common devices used and a good place to start. Visiting a sex shop with a partner to see the array of toys and games can be an adventure and a great introduction to a whole new world for some. Amazon is also always available for browsing. Good Vibrations (Goodvibes.com and its brick-and-mortar stores) is a sex-positive, shame-free, woman-friendly place to shop for all things pleasure.