Dealing With Grief
Loss of a loved one is devastating. Unreconciled, it can be both debilitating and inhibiting.
Paul’s Story
I have long been an optimistic and happy person who greeted everyone with a smile. I had recently experienced a series of traumatic events and found myself depressed.
It all began in 2017 with a Category 5 hurricane that left our small island community devastated. Infrastructure was destroyed leaving us with no water for weeks and no electricity for months. Our hospital was condemned; the lush vegetation was left denuded and leafless; and wooden homes were destroyed. Volunteering to provide relief and recovery for over a year, I was left with PTSD, as were most residents of the island. Still, I smiled and had hope.
In 2019 I lost my partner of 12 years to cancer and one of my best friends died just two months later. In 2020, I was fortunate to find love online right before the pandemic. I lived with her for eight months, during which time I got colon cancer and had successful surgery. Shortly thereafter, my new-found romance fell apart, and I was invited to move out. Through the sadness, I still managed to muster up a smile.
In 2021, I had another run at dating, and after 3 months, it was sadly over. My smile was resolute, but weak. I began to realize that I was depressed but couldn’t figure out specifically why. As recommended by many sources, I had evaluated everything in the past, from my early years up until the present, but I felt that I had reconciled everything, and I was at peace with each issue. I was sure I had visited every significant loss, failure, and event that could have been the cause of my depression, but nothing jumped out. One night it came to me: I was mourning the loss of my youth.
At 75, I could no longer pursue many of the activities I loved in the past. I lost faith that I would find another partner comparable to my dear lost love. It was a shock to discover the cause of my depression, but by identifying the issue, I was able to focus on resolving it. It was necessary to acknowledge the truth and symbolically memorialize it to move on. Life is good! I smile easily again.
Susan’s Story
Susan’s story is typical of many widows’ experiences. She had dated very few men before marrying, and she was numb with grief at 62 when her one-and-only passed. Over the course of 5 years, the pain of loss morphed into a feeling of an unnatural void that cried out to be filled. Becoming a single woman had not impacted her day-to-day activities with girlfriends, but it had severely trimmed her dinner and evening social life that was often couples oriented.
At 67, Susan began to believe life might be more fun and interesting if she could share things with a good man. While the goal was uplifting, the concept of dating was terrifying. She had no idea how or where to begin. Friends set her up with a few widowers and bachelors, but the results weren’t very satisfying. Her daughter had been successful at finding romance online and suggested she give it a try.
On her own, Susan stumbled through signing up for Match.com and attempted to build an engaging profile. She was able to create a reasonable presence, but it was taxing and not attracting the men she intended to target. A yoga friend of hers, who had found her partner online, offered to give her some guidance. She recommended a book and several videocasts that helped her present herself in a way that dramatically improved the suitability of her matches.
For ten months, she had been dating and having fun before she met the man she’s been with for the last year. During the process, she had to overcome her initial guilt at being “unfaithful” to her late husband, her embarrassment at not knowing how to date, and fear of failure when she was rejected. She also had to reject quite a few matches along the way. She is now an enthusiastic proponent of online dating.