Loss and Found Presentation Notes
Loneliness & Connectivity
Loneliness and friendship as reason for joining this group – opposite sides of same coin
I have just a few minutes to cover a large topic
Loneliness somehow feels like a failing
When it really a feeling lack of connection
Can be surrounded by 100 people and feel lonely
Feel meaningfully connected to one person and not feel lonely
It’s the feeling of being seen or known and accepted
Feeling safe and able to be yourself in a relationship
Also be being involved in something worthwhile, to feel meaning, with others
As we get older, some of the structures that naturally created connection disappear
Friends and family move away
Important people in our lives pass away
Children are busy and don’t need us
We retire from meaningful work
Changes in health making socialization harder
Connections happened automatically when we were young, -
At playgrounds, at work, now we have to cultivate connections
There are different kinds of connections
Connections to other people
Connection to purpose – feeling needed/ valued – having something to contribute
Connection to something larger than ourselves – spirituality/community
My hope is that you will find new meaningful connections in this group
Or the small groups Zoie is going to talk about
There could be book groups, walking groups, gardening groups, volunteering and community involvement
There has been a loss of connections – Hopefully what we can be finding is New meaningful connections
Also that if you are shy, you may find that you have the courage to give your phone number to someone
Ask if they want to join you for coffee, for a walk, for ice cream or a movie
Taking the initiative for regular facetime calls to renew old connections with friends who have moved
I think it does take courage to put yourself out there because there is the risk someone could say no.
But aren’t we looking for the people who want to say yes?
Question I invite you to ask yourself is What kind of connections are you looking for right now in your lives?
For me it was finding a partner – I’m a relationship person. I’m a therapist who only sees couples
Given the number of incredible and interesting women in this group I’m hopeful you will find the connections you are looking for
A quick footnote on Gratitude. I just read an article on some research that showed that a daily gratitude journal led to lower levels of loneliness
Invisibility and changes in appearance with aging
I’m no expert, but no one else offered to take it on. So I’ve been talking to a number of women and this is what I’m thinking.
Wondered why my mother had so many creams _ and now I do and they do nothing!
Hurts to lose something our culture has taught us to value. Hurts to lose the person we were.
I don’t want to tell you that you shouldn’t miss being beautiful, desired or noticed. But things can be found when beauty doesn’t occupy so much cultural space
Both are true – We can miss things lost while also appreciating the things that were gained that were unexpected
Young and attractive = social currency
Locked into conventional beauty - .Always an issue for those of us who did not fit. But these physical changes have possibly been harder for those who were considered beautiful when we were young and got outside affirmation for that.
Annoying to be noticed and whistled at but it also could feel powerful
This diminishes as we age – wrinkles appear out of no where and creams are useless.
Somehow inches appear in our middle section. I don’t know about you, but all my new pants have elastic waists because I’m tired of holding my breath all day.
We can feel inviable -– invisible at the meat counter at safeway
Feel powerless – can’t get our ground turkey
This is another level of loss – loss of the person we were (our face, our body) There can be grief with this loss as with any other loss.
As I see it, we have three choices
1. Don’t look in the mirror – total denial. And women I talked to said they only looked in a small mirror so they could put on their mascara.
2. We can try to go backwards and try to recapture the person we were –
I did a TV program to promote my book on relationships and Helen Gurley Brown – Cosmo editor –was also on the program. She was rail thin wearing a mini skirt. Personally, I thought she looked ridiculous trying to look like a 20 year old.
I believe you should dress in any way that makes you feel good. But it is impossible to recapture your youth.
Even with plastic surgery you can’t avoid it. You can postpone it maybe, but not avoid it.
3. Move forward – but to what?
Here is what can be found.
Acceptance – appreciation of what you have (rather than focusing on what you don’t have)
What your body can still do – as opposed to how it doesn’t look
Aging gracefully is the motto I try to live by (It’s an image I try to hold)
Acceptance can lead to profound Freedom. Freedom is something else found
Freedom to be yourself
Care less what other think or the opinions of others
Relief from being run by the expectation of others
Free from the latest fashions (if desired) to dress as you like
Dress, in a way that fits for you – looking good doesn’t have to mean looking young.
Freedom from having to starve ourselves = freedom to be healthy
Free from unwanted attention – this can be mixed some women miss it, but also find it a relief
Free to experience your body for yourself – and not through the eyes of others
Freedom to make time for yourself and do the things you want to do rather than what others think you should do
Free time to devote to other things than primping
Acceptance can be found – Acceptance of who you are now. ( Aging gracefully) – I see stunning older women. I think it comes from how they carry themselves with acceptance and confidence.
What can be found is - Self appreciation for who you are
Being known and recognized, rather than just noticed
Appreciated for wisdom gained – People come to you for advice (maybe not your own children) but grandchildren and others
Appreciated as someone who can be there for others - who can sit with grief
Someone who has Judgement people trust
Maybe we are less noticed and more recognized
Courage can also be found - courage to be yourself, accept yourself and not apologize
Courage to keep moving ahead and trying things
A new look, a new hairstyle
For me it took courage to venture out and online date in order to find a new relationship.
Courage to open myself to rejection not just as a person, but taking off my clothes in front of someone someday
Courage -To wear whatever you want – That fits!
Courage -To say your truth
If you want plastic surgery, not to be embarrassed to say you want it rather than trying to hide it as shameful, somehow
Courage to say NO – that doesn’t work for me rather than accommodating
These freedoms and courage could lead to a time of Adventure for yourself
of creating a new look, trying new things that have not been deemed as appropriate for your age.
How will I feel about gray hair? I’m curious to see.
Why do we dye our hair? To look young or because we look washed out in gray? Like me wearing yellow
What would be different if we could be less concerned about our physical appearance (For example, I’d definitely have more money available for other things without all these products!)
After Death Experiences
Part of the presentation on end of life.
It is amazingly common for people to experience a visitation or some other contact with a deceased loved one.
Contact has been reported as sensory, auditory, visual, a sense of presence, or smell.
The preponderance of studies put the percentage of people who have perceived the presence or signs of their deceased loved ones at around 60 percent.
In study after study, the sensation of contact with a deceased loved one plays a rather remarkable role in alleviating grief.
There was a recent published study that reviewed of 14 psychological studies across seven countries, spanning over 1,900 participants, researchers found that a majority of those who reported experiencing the sensation of their lost loved one had had some “emotionally restorative experiences that helped them cope with their grief.
There is a therapeutic theory that posits that we don’t end a relationship in death; we alter it.
Two stories of contact that I felt from David after he passed and one experience with a medium.
In Laura Lynne Jackson’s last book, “Guided,” she told readers that the bereaved can watch and listen for signs, or continued presence, with no need for a medium at all.
Abby Rosnser wrote a book entitled Psychedelics and the Counterculture of Aging. In it, she shares accounts of older adults finding healing, spiritual deepening, joyous intimacy, and peace with mortality through intentional psychedelic journeying