Behavior & Relationships
By Skyler Ward
Judging ourselves can be painful, but it shouldn’t be. Sometimes we are way too hard on ourselves and carry around guilt, whether we admit it or not. Other times we give ourselves a pass when we should take responsibility for our actions and reactions. Sometimes we make excuses to justify our behaviors that are in response to others’ behaviors, imposed situations, natural and manmade crises, etc. But, at the end of the day, we own our own behavior.
Guilt can be a real plague, but the cure is easy. If one apologizes to those who were wronged and then forgives himself or herself, it goes away. If one sincerely forgives another whom did you wrong, the resentment and hurt subside. If one digs in and defensively hangs on to minor point or issue, does anyone benefit?
In life, we control almost nothing except our attitudes. We can do it but have great difficulty changing ourselves and can’t control anyone else above the age of 12 with anything less than a gun and handcuffs. This dramatically limits our ability to get others to fall in line with our own desires or perceptions.
Over time, we become associated with both our actions and our responses. As children, we grow, we experiment, we fail, we succeed, we mature…and we change. As adults, not so much. As relationships develop, shortcuts in communication and repetition of interactions lead to conditioned responses. This can manifest itself in a pleasing patter or a “hot button” explosion. When these patterns form during childhood (among our friends and siblings or between ourselves and adults) they often tend to continue into our own adulthood and can be problematic. Couples can experience similar developments as their relationships mature. These automatic responses based upon expired issues misrepresent the current person and may no longer be rational nor acceptable, if they ever were.
One cannot change the behavior of others, so it is critical that each individual works on his or her own actions and reactions. Realizing that the responsibility is one’s own, it is possible to focus and preplan for a more controlled response that can defuse a situation rather than ignite it. In the long run, as one party in the relationship is able to take control of his or her own behavior, the other party may eventually give up the old pattern.
Some button pushing is intentional – an antagonist’s behavior is a perfect example. If we respond automatically to having our buttons pushed, wbecome externally controlled and are no longer free or rational. If we say we have no choice or can’t help it, we are giving in and deluding ourselves. If we are mentally unincumbered, we always have choices – as poor as some may be, and we are always free to respond rationally, but we must disengage the autopilot.
I think we all want and need the respect of those we love. Does hanging on to old images of one another demonstrate respect for the accomplishments of the current person? We need to view people in the context of who they are today, because that’s the way they view themselves and wish to be viewed by others.
The term stubborn is thrown around when one member of a relationship refuses to change his or her position or behavior under any circumstances. Occasionally, this is a pragmatic issue coming from deep contemplation and residing in the core values of the individual. Often, however, it’s an expedient to ge one’s own way or parry interaction. When both parties are deeply committed to their perspectives, without compromise the result is gridlock. When one party doesn’t want to discuss an issue, it may be that the positions have been fully presented already so there is no need to rehash the problem. Doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result is a definition of insanity. If there is new information, then reopening a discussion could be valuable, otherwise trying to force an issue is potentially harmful to the relationship.
We are all stubborn to a degree when we have a position on a subject or issue. But how do we respond to the opinions of others on the issue? Does it matter that a person with whom we have a relationship doesn’t share our opinion about religion, politics, clothing, etc.? For many subjects people just need to agree to disagree and drop it. If many such issues are piled up, it can bog down interaction.
Now, let’s talk about filters. Each individual has the ability to turn on the brain before engaging the mouth. With some subjects and some people, the filters are intentionally removed as a matter of principle. Filters are an important part of the intellectual process. There are several forms of unfiltered dialogue including:
Criticizing judgmentally to claim the moral or self-righteous high ground;
Saying whatever is on one’s mind, without regard for or awareness of the effect it will have on the listener (and anyone else involved);
Speaking from a false position of desire to help, but doing so because one just must get something off their chest; and
Repeating things to others that were said to one personally and not intended to be repeated.
The word for NOT committing this error is “tact”. Almost everyone learns to use tact in some instances (Does this dress look good on me?) because we don’t want someone’s feelings hurt. Tact is what softens the edges of discourse. Tact often means not talking about certain subjects or sharing unnecessary information that needlessly makes someone uncomfortable. Lack of tact results in people whom we love being hurt, not feeling good, and not being happy. Sometimes we hurt the ones we love unintentionally, but to be untactful purposefully is a mean-spirited tool of some.
There are varying degrees of stress that almost all of us encounter in life. Many (though not all) people behave well and handle the everyday ups and downs. A significant number of people fall apart when the big things hit. The really tough situation that a few of us experience is the relentless stress from an ongoing, out-of-control problem that seems to last indefinitely without relief and no near-term solution in sight. The mind-numbing dull pain throughout one’s body combines with frustration, anger, fear, and depression, and is extremely hard to rise above. The weight drags and pulls relentlessly on someone in this situation. When it happens, the person becomes obsessed with the problem and has difficulty focusing on other issues. It is extremely useful for the stressed out person to be able to sit and talk about the problem to a good listener, professional or otherwise. Solutions may emerge or not, but the mere act of nonjudgmental conversation is helpful, if not essential.